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According to a study, most regrets were education at thirty-two percent, career at twenty-two percent, and romance at fifteen percent. Regrets we have can bring up feelings of sadness, shame, remorse, or even helplessness. Although these feelings can be uncomfortable, they can serve us. The place in which our regrets lie often reveals the values we hold. Although it may be tempting to ruminate on the regrets, it can prevent you from moving forward. The best ways to deal with regret include identifying the regret, clarifying the value, and living by the value.
Overcoming Shame
Shame can be a barrier to letting go of regret. We might feel shame from a past mistake we made. The path to healing shame involves sharing it with people we trust. Shame dies in the light. When we share our shame, it loses its power over us. We are not our mistakes, and the right people will be able to support us in moving forward. It might also be helpful to make amends and apologize for past indiscretions. This process might require that we extend ourselves some grace. When we find ourselves self-loathing, we can practice self-compassion. Although experiencing regrets can be challenging, we can move past them and use our experiences to teach others.
Letting Go of the Past
Rumination can be another obstacle that prevents us from moving forward. We get stuck when we dwell on the past. You cannot change the past. Imagine if you could change the past. What lessons would you have missed out on? The past is there to teach you. You can use it as a way to learn and move in the direction you want to go.
One way to deal with rumination is to be mindful. We often suffer more in imagination than reality. The best way to stay present is to take a few deep breaths. It can also be helpful to write out how we feel. This exercise activates our prefrontal cortex, which helps us regulate our emotions. Once we have worked through regret, we can shift our focus to what we value. The values we hold can move us in the right direction.
Living A Values-Based Life
While listening to the podcast Therapy in a Nutshell, Psychologist Emma McAdam provided an example of how we can do this. One regret could be staying in an unhealthy relationship. In this situation, the value could be self-respect. The action that aligns with this value is setting boundaries. I have found this exercise to help me to deal with past regrets. There was a time when I allowed fear to keep me from trying new things. I recognized my value was courage. Today, I allow courage to guide my choices.
Regrets can become challenging when we allow shame and rumination to take over. Instead, we can use our regret as a signal that we are off course and redirect our attention to what we value. This shift will allow us to move in the direction we want to go. The next time you regret something from the past, write down what the regret is. Stay present with your feelings and seek support if needed. Next, redirect your focus to what you value. Finally, make choices that align with your values.