Category: Relationships

I love learning new things, and listening to Michelle Obama’s latest podcast kept my attention. I paused the episode several times to write down all the gems she shared alongside her guest, Elaine. They offered so much wisdom that it made me reflect on a powerful question: Why are hard questions key to finding what you truly want? After thinking about it, I came up with five reasons, and I’d love to share them with you.

Reason 1 – You determine who the right people are for you:

Asking questions isn’t about interrogating someone; it’s about getting to know them and deciding if they’re a good fit for you. Michelle points out that you don’t need to ask everything right away, but once you’re serious about someone, it’s a good time to start asking the tough questions. You’ll want to understand their vision for the future and whether it aligns with yours. While love is important, shared values are crucial for determining compatibility and long-term happiness. The reality is that even if you love someone if your values and future goals don’t align, the relationship likely won’t bring the happiness you desire.

Reason 2 – You establish clear communication: 

Asking the right questions helps you understand how a person communicates and how comfortable they are with tough conversations. You’ve probably heard that communication is key to any healthy relationship. I liked how Michelle emphasized that if you’re unable to express yourself openly in a relationship, it could be a sign that the person may not be the right fit for you. If they become defensive, it shows they might not be ready for honest dialogue, which can be a red flag early on. Since communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it’s important to pay attention to how someone reacts to your questions and concerns.

Reason 3 – You can make better decisions:

I loved the quote Elaine shared: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” I encourage you to ask questions to see who people are. The answers you receive can reveal whether or not it is best to stay or move on. While you might have a fantasy, asking the right questions gives you a reality check. You might have someone you love, but you recognize that your values and life goals conflict. Instead of hoping you can change them, accept that they may not be the right person for you. Be willing to let go to create space for the right person.

Reason 4 – You gain clarity:

The best way to gain clarity is to ask questions rather than make assumptions. Many people believe others will change, but unless someone explicitly states and shows they are committed to change, don’t expect it. Instead, consider whether who they are right now is enough for you to be happy and fulfilled in the long run. You can only determine that by understanding your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Think about your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Do you have someone who supports what you want? It is critical to have clarity around this question because who you choose to be with is a significant decision.

Reason 5 – You become more confident asking for what you need: 

Michelle encourages women to practice asking for what they want. She points out we might have a hard time asking for what we want because we are afraid of the answer. Maybe you’re afraid to hear that they can’t give you what you want. Or you’re afraid they will judge you for what you need. But she points out beautifully that the answer reveals whether or not they are a good fit for you. The answer doesn’t make you less deserving. It just means the person wasn’t for you. Better to know now than later.

If someone can’t give you what you want or judges you for what you want, they are not your person. I know that rejection can be painful, but what is more painful is missing out on what you deserve. You cannot miss out on what you are willing to wait for. If you recognize that someone isn’t right for you, be willing to wait for someone better.

Closing Remarks

I hope that as you get to know new people, you don’t forget to ask the hard questions. While it may be uncomfortable, asking hard questions is essential to determining who is a good fit for you. It also establishes clear communication, provides clarity, and leads to better decisions. Regardless of the answer you receive, remember you deserve what you want. If the answer doesn’t fit what you want, be willing to let go to create space for what you desire.

I’ve often found myself struggling to define love in a single sentence. While I have my understanding of what it is, I can’t say that everyone shares the exact definition. In fact, I believe people might define love differently. So, is there one universal definition we can all agree on? I’m not sure, but I found a definition in bell hooks’ book All About Love that resonated with me. She defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” This definition suggests that love is selfless, pure, nurturing, transformative, commitment, and, most importantly, a choice.

Love Is Selfless

I believe the best place to start is by introducing love as selfless, a concept that bell hooks captures when she says love is “to extend oneself.” It is offering your time when a close friend needs someone to talk to, or supporting a loved one’s dreams. Selfless love is given freely, without the expectation of anything in return. It is extending yourself for another’s well-being rather than personal gain.

Love Is a Choice

Love is more than just a feeling; it is a conscious choice. As bell hooks defines it, love involves “the will to extend,” highlighting love as an action and not just a feeling. While many people associate love with their feelings, they often overlook the fact that love is a choice. Feelings may change over time, but the actions you take to express love can remain constant. When you love someone, you show it. Taking time to express your love language and identifying the love language of others can help you show love in a way that others can appreciate it.

Love Is Pure

You know you love someone when you want the best for them. You want to see them happy, successful, and healthy. You are happy to watch their dreams come true and enjoy celebrating their milestones. When you genuinely care about another person’s well-being, you are experiencing the purest form of love. You consider how they feel in your decision-making. You consider how you can show up for them. Loving someone is about showing consideration.

Love Is Nurturing

The way you care for someone is a powerful expression of love. When you nurture someone, you give them what they need. Everyone has needs that are essential to experiencing fulfillment in relationships. Loving someone means knowing their needs and being able to fulfill their needs. Another part of nurturing someone is supporting another person’s growth. You are willing to provide your time, resources, and knowledge to help them grow.

Love Is Commitment

Love is a commitment to seeing the growth of the relationship. It is about committing to being with someone long-term. It doesn’t mean you can’t leave when it becomes unhealthy or toxic. In those cases, leaving is an act of self-love. Love is committing to support each other’s growth in a healthy and balanced way. It’s not just about saying ‘I do’ when you get married; it’s about committing to say ‘I do’ to the relationship every day.

Love Is Transformative

Love can transform a relationship. When you are with someone who knows how to love you, you have a fulfilling relationship. A fulfilling relationship changes the way you show up in the world. You find that you have more love to give. You are more patient because you are happier. You are more understanding because your capacity to love has expanded. You also find that those past hurts heal when you are loved.

Final Love Notes

I don’t know how you define love, but the way I define love is selfless, choice, pure, nurturing, committed, and transformative. While your definition might differ from mine, I hope you can begin to define what love is for you. I hope that love can be an experience that nurtures your spiritual growth.

Therapy can be intimidating, especially when you’re talking to a stranger. But you’re not alone. A therapist’s role is to provide a safe space for you to open up. Before your first session, consider researching your therapist. Websites like Psychology Today let you explore therapist profiles, read about their credentials, and even schedule consultations. While therapy might feel scary, a good therapist will guide and support you every step of the way.

Research Therapists

When looking for a therapist, consider finding someone who specializes in the specific issues you are facing. Whether you are dealing with trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, or stress, it is helpful to have a trained therapist in your area of concern. A therapist with expertise in your area can offer more personalized treatment, improving your overall experience. Consider checking their credentials and experience to ensure they fit your needs.

Schedule a Consultation

Once you have done the research, it is time to schedule a consultation. The consultation helps ensure the therapist is the right fit. Consultations are typically free and are fifteen minutes long. During the conversation, consider having a list of questions. These questions can help you determine who is the best fit for you. Here are a list of questions you might ask:

• What is your therapeutic approach?
• How long have you been practicing in this area?
• How do you tailor your approach to meet the specific needs of your clients?
• Do you accept insurance? If so, which insurance providers do you work with?

During the consultation, you may realize they aren’t the best match. Trust your gut—if you aren’t comfortable moving forward, consider finding another therapist.

Book a Session

Once you believe you have found a therapist you like, you can schedule your first session. The first session is usually an intake process. Your therapist might ask about your personal history and goals. You will have the opportunity to share more about yourself and what you hope to gain from therapy. After the first session, check in with yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, it is okay to find another one. It might take time to find the one that works best for you.

Final Takeaway

Therapy can be an intimidating experience at first, but it can also lead to healing and transformation. Before booking your first session with a therapist, consider reading their bio, checking their credentials, and scheduling a consultation. These steps can help you find a therapist that fits your needs.

The quality of your relationships impacts the quality of your life. Having positive relationships benefits you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Being more intentional about your new relationships requires you to prioritize social events, maintain an open mind, know what you want, be vulnerable, and ask questions. By being intentional, you create the path for deeper connections. 

Prioritize Social Events

One of the first steps to developing new relationships involves establishing common interests. You do this by attending social events that align with your values or hobbies. If you enjoy reading, consider joining a book club. If you like staying active, join a running club. If you value knowledge, attend a trivia night. Also, be consistent with the events you attend. Becoming a familiar face increases your chances of making new friends. 

Remain Open

It is not always easy to put yourself out there, but it is necessary to make new friends. Stepping outside your comfort zone requires that you are courageous and open-minded. Not every social setting will be a good fit, and disappointment may occur. The key is to learn from the experience and explore new social settings. You want to remain open despite the outcome. Your tribe is out; it just might take time to find them. 

Make A List

Before you can find what you are looking for, it is essential to know what you want. Identifying the values and qualities you need in a relationship helps you determine which people you are compatible with. Consider making a list of things you need and want in a relationship. Don’t forget to include dealbreakers as well. As you get to know new people, check to see if they have any qualities you value. Although liking a person is important, compatibility is the key to long-term relationships. 

Be Authentic

People are attracted to authenticity. Being vulnerable is an essential part of showing up authentically. One way to do this is by expressing your feelings. If you had a stressful day at work, be willing to share that. If you reached a goal that you are proud of, share that too. You want to open up early to identify if there is emotional safety. When you feel safe, you become more comfortable with being yourself. 

Ask Questions

Lastly, make sure to ask open-ended questions that help you gauge compatibility. These questions should reflect the qualities and values you seek in a meaningful connection. Pay attention to any answers that may conflict with your core beliefs and values. Avoid compromising who you are because you enjoy someone’s company. Instead, recognize that shared values are more important for long-term relationships. The right people will fit into your life and grow with you. 

Final Thoughts

You might be at a place where you are ready to meet new people and build solid relationships. The key is to be intentional about new relationships. You can do this by prioritizing social events, maintaining an open mind, knowing what you want, being vulnerable, and asking questions. The connections you desire are out there, and by taking these steps, you create a space for meaningful relationships. 

Relationships can bring happiness to many people, but they can become unhealthy when a person defines their identity by who they are dating. It is important to know who you are apart from who you are with. When you lose yourself in relationships, it can indicate codependency. Instead, it is essential to have interdependence to maintain a harmonious relationship. You can achieve this by having a solid sense of self, knowing your values, having goals, and establishing open communication.

Codependency in Relationships

When you rely on others for your sense of self or well-being, this is known as codependency. Some signs to look out for include people-pleasing, low self-esteem, emotional reactivity, poor boundaries, ineffective communication, and no goals or aspirations outside the relationship. Who you are and what you need matters. Before you consider filling someone else’s cup, fill yours first. Fill your cup with your interests, goals, needs, and wants.

People who struggle with codependency do not have a strong sense of self. They believe a relationship gives them an identity. When their relationship is going well, they are happy. But when the relationship isn’t going well, they question their self-worth. The key to self-worth is understanding it is not something you earn; it is something you realize. It is important to recognize that your worth is innate. Who you are as you are is enough.

Identify Who You Are

You can develop a solid sense of self by making time for your hobbies. Often, your partner might not like the same things you do. Instead of giving up that hobby, consider doing it with friends or family. When you continue doing things you enjoy in a relationship, you are demonstrating healthy interdependence.

It is also important to have goals and know your core values. The values you have can help you to identify what matters to you. When you know what matters to you, you stay connected to who you are. When you are interdependent, you are responsible for your happiness. You recognize that your values serve as a guide to living happily and authentically. Additionally, setting goals that align with your values can help you to self-actualize. When you are able to become better, the relationship you are in is likely to strengthen.

Establish Open Communication

Lastly, it is crucial to any healthy relationship that you communicate your needs. When both partners can express themselves and support one another, this is interdependence. While your partner may not be responsible for your feelings, they can influence them. In a healthy relationship, you have boundaries with your partner and can communicate when they have done something hurtful. A healthy relationship is not about blaming them for how you feel or hiding your emotions. It is about giving each other a safe space to express yourself.

You may have heard of the four attachment styles. They are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Out of these attachment styles, three are insecure. Your attachment style develops from your early childhood experience with your parents or caregivers. If you have an insecure attachment style, you can heal to form a secure attachment style as an adult.

Insecure Attachment

Before you can heal from an insecure attachment, it can be helpful to identify which specific style you fall into. These attachment styles included anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style shapes how you connect in relationships and how you trust, communicate, and deal with emotions and intimacy. You can take this quiz to determine your attachment style.

An insecure attachment style tends to manifest as a lack of trust or poor communication, overly reliant or hyper-independent, negative view of yourself and others, difficulty managing your emotions and conflict, or issues with intimacy. You can change your attachment style by being more mindful of how you show up in relationships. Self-awareness creates an opportunity to unlearn beliefs and behaviors that hinder you from having a secure and healthy relationship.

Develop a Positive Self-Image

The kind of relationship you want with others starts with having a healthy relationship with yourself. It is essential to maintain a positive self-image. It begins with believing that you are worthy. Your worth is innate and does not need to be validated by people, things, or circumstances. You are always worthy despite your mistakes or what you have been through. To become securely attached, start by recognizing your self-worth.

Practice Healthy Interdependence

Once you have a positive self-image, you can work on your relationship with others. Being in a relationship is not about being completely independent or completely reliant. It is about being able to rely on each other and work together.

Relationships are about having a balance between dependence and independence. A person with an anxious attachment might be codependent in relationships. Resolving this requires learning how to self-soothe and regulate your emotions. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, learning to ask for help can move them towards a secure attachment.

Express Your Feelings & Needs

Communicating your feelings clearly and respectfully is another way to develop a secure attachment. When you express your emotions, you are also being vulnerable. Being comfortable with vulnerability is part of developing intimacy in relationships.

If you have a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, you might believe vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Contrary to what you might believe, vulnerability can foster understanding and intimacy often needed to develop healthy relationships. Additionally, having a secure attachment style in relationships involves healthy boundaries and open communication about your needs and desires.

Manage Conflict Effectively

You do not need to avoid conflict to have a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship can have conflict. Conflict does not have to be the end of a relationship. It can be the beginning of a stronger relationship. If you have an insecure attachment style, consider reframing conflict. Instead of viewing it negatively, you can have a more objective perspective.

Conflict can be a misunderstanding or a difference of perspective. One of the best ways to resolve conflict is through communication. It is essential to share your perspective, even if it is different. Your differences can create an opportunity for understanding. It also allows you to learn from one another. When you work through conflict, you gain knowledge and strengthen your relationship.

To Conclude

While your attachment style developed in your childhood, your attachment style is not permanent. You can work towards a more secure attachment if you have an insecure style. The way to achieve this is by building a positive self-image, fostering healthy interdependence, clearly expressing your needs and emotions, and effectively managing conflict.

I came across a statistic showing that nearly 50% of adults in the United States are single. Many people are making a conscious choice to be single. Whether you are single or in a relationship, there is always an opportunity for growth. Being single allows you to know yourself, strengthen relationships with family and friends, fulfill your purpose, and invest in your future.

Discover Who You Are

Being single is not uncommon, yet people often ask, why are you single? For many, it is because they choose to be. Some would rather be single than settle for an unfulfilling relationship. While you are single, you can discover who you are. You realize that you are more than a relationship status. You have qualities and strengths that make you unique. When you are solid in your definition of yourself, you choose relationships out of desire and not fear.

Strengthen Existing Relationships

People who are happily single are not afraid to be alone because they enjoy their company and have quality relationships. These relationships are often with their closest friends and family. They have more time to invest in their relationships, resulting in greater happiness and fulfillment. When you have great relationships, you improve the quality of your life. You can also develop tools in these relationships that you can use in a romantic relationship. Communication is a crucial aspect of any relationship, and being skilled in this area can prepare you for a partner.

Pursue Your Purpose

There is a tendency to judge those who aren’t married by a certain age, as though singlehood implies something is missing. While relationships can be deeply fulfilling, they are not the only path toward happiness or fulfillment. You have a purpose that is independent of your relationship status. Your purpose is solely related to who you are and what you are passionate about. You can find fulfillment as a single person by pursuing your purpose. Your purpose does not require you to meet the one. It is more about trusting yourself and having the courage to follow your heart.

Invest in Your Future

As a single person, investing in your future is essential. Investments can be financial, physical, or educational. Whether it’s spending time at the gym to enhance your physical health or investing money into a retirement account to secure your financial future, both are excellent investments. Another way to invest in your future is by pursuing higher education. Obtaining additional degrees or certifications can significantly impact your earning potential over time. The thing to remember about investment is that it is not always a quick return, but the long-term benefits are significantly rewarding.

Being single is a choice just as much as being in a relationship is. The opportunity of being single allows you to know yourself, strengthen relationships with family and friends, fulfill your purpose, and invest in your future. There is nothing wrong with being single if it is a choice that works best for you.

While I enjoy watching dating shows for entertainment, I’ve learned to also watch for relationship advice. One piece of advice I liked came from Married at First Sight, where the concept of “growing in love” was introduced. It made me realize that love isn’t something you fall into; it’s something you can grow into. This advice is just one of many lessons I’ve picked up from dating shows, and I’d love to share more of these insights with you.

Grow in Love

The concept of growing in love was new to me. I had never heard that phrase before. I have always heard that you fall in love as if love is something that happened unintentionally. But hearing that I can grow into love helped me to see that love can be intentional. I value the intentionality of loving someone as a conscious choice. Love is not just a feeling; it is an action. Unlike falling in love, I can choose to love someone through my actions. I can grow in love by committing to journey through life with someone who fits where I am going.

Be Interested not Interesting

When it comes to dating, even I worry about if the person will like me. If you focus on being interesting and not interested, it can prevent you from being yourself. Authenticity is what makes you attractive to the right person. If who you are does not interest someone, they might not be the right match for you. Rather than trying to be interesting, focus on being interested. Be yourself and get to know the person to see if you’re interested. By showing genuine interest, you are more likely to find your match not just because they like you but because you like them.

Show Vulnerability

One important part of a relationship is intimacy. It often requires vulnerability to build a close connection with someone. When you can share your weaknesses, your emotions, hopes, and dreams, this creates a deep connection. Vulnerability is not something that you rush. It is something that you can build over time.

Trust is vital to building vulnerability in relationships. When it comes to opening up, start small. Take note of how the person responds. Are they accepting and understanding? Do they offer support or show empathy? Do they respect your boundaries? Are they patient with you? If they answer yes to these questions, this is a huge indication of a trustworthy person.

Know What You Want

Before you reach a destination, you need to know how to get there. Knowing what you want is like having good direction. It can help guide you to the right person. A practical approach is to list your wants, needs, and dealbreakers. When you have this list, you can use it to pick more intentionally. Often, in the early stages of dating, you might experience so much excitement that you forget what you need and want. Dating involves more than just following a checklist; it’s about having something concrete to refer to when feelings run high.

Find Someone You Can Fully Accept

When choosing a partner, it is essential to consider whether you can fully accept them as they are. Can this person meet your needs? Fit into your life? Align with your values?

A common mistake in dating is investing in someone who can not fulfill your needs or wants. Unmet needs often result in a lack of fulfillment, while unmet expectations can lead to resentment. Before committing, take time to assess your compatibility. Do they share your core values? Does their vision align with your dreams?

Trust Your Gut

When it comes to choosing your person, trust yourself. There is peace that you have when you meet the right person. You have a calmness in their presence. You feel safe when you are around them. More importantly, you feel at home.

To Conclude

If you are anything like me and enjoy dating shows, I hope you find one that gives good advice. If not, I hope this blog post helps you learn more about dating and being in a relationship. To recap, here are the five tips for dating and relationships:

Grow in love

Be interested, not interesting

Show vulnerability

Know what you want

Find someone you can fully accept

Trust your gut

One reason some relationships last while others fade is because of compatibility. While physical attraction might spark the connection, it isn’t enough to sustain a long-term relationship. Equally important are shared values, long-term goals, humor, acceptance, and open communication. Being compatible in these areas can be instrumental in maintaining long-lasting relationships.

Physical Attraction

The attraction you have towards someone can determine the level of compatibility you have with them. Physical attraction is the initial spark you have when you first meet. It is the smile you cannot contain when you are around them. It is that electric feeling you have when they touch you. It is the butterflies in your stomach when your eyes lock. It is the gaze that lingers. While physical attraction is important, it is not the only factor in compatibility.

Similar Values and Shared Long-Term Goals

Similar values and shared goals are crucial in maintaining long-lasting relationships. Asking questions about core values, goals, and dreams early on can help determine compatibility. Knowing each other’s long-term aspirations can reveal whether your paths align. Can the person walk beside your dreams, or do your goals conflict? The right partner will fit into your life. Your values or dreams will not be compromised when you are with someone who fits your future.

Acceptance

As the person is, can you accept them? Compatibility is choosing people who have what you want and need. If you want someone to change for you, you might be disappointed. People generally change because they want to. Make a list of what you want and need in a person. When you meet someone you are interested in, use that list to guide you. Being with someone you can completely accept is an essential aspect of compatibility.

Similar Humor

You may have heard laughter is the best medicine. Laughing together is part of keeping the relationship fun and lighthearted. But to do this, it helps to share a similar sense of humor. Having someone who can appreciate your sense of humor can improve your relationship. It is a great way to handle and reduce stress in relationships. A person you can laugh with is priceless and a great indication of compatibility.

Open Communication

Relationship experts often emphasize the importance of communication. It is a skill that can improve the success of a relationship. Communication plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts in relationships. Knowing each other communication styles can help you identify how compatible you are. Communication is not just about what you say. It is about how you listen. Being understanding, empathetic, and respectful sets the tone for a healthy conversation. You might not always agree, but being willing to understand can make a difference.

Conclusion

In conclusion, being compatible with someone goes beyond physical attraction. It is about being with someone you enjoy and can build a life together. Similar values, shared long-term goals, humor, acceptance, and open communication are all vital in measuring compatibility. These are all crucial factors to consider when building a long-term relationship.

Singles anticipating a new relationship might fantasize about the honeymoon stage, but there are many stages of relationships. Navigating each stage of love can make or break a couple. Not everyone makes it to the final stage, which is essentially a commitment to spending life together. Here are the stages of relationships. 

The Honeymoon Stage

This stage often feels the most exciting for many couples and typically lasts up to 2 years. In this stage, you find yourself overwhelmed by positive emotions. You enjoy spending time with them. You miss them when they are gone. You can’t stop thinking about them. You have a strong attraction to them. You might see their faults, but they might not bother you.

The Crisis Stage

You may have heard of the seven-year itch. This stage often occurs after 5-7 years together. The excitement you felt in the beginning is wearing off. Those things you overlooked earlier are starting to create conflict in the relationship. This stage is the make-or-break-it stage. Being able to manage conflict is crucial at this stage. You either recognize your differences as an opportunity for deeper understanding or a sign of incompatibility. Although this stage can be challenging, it does not last forever.

The Commitment Stage

I choose you. This stage does not just happen when you say I do. It is a commitment to say I do to the relationship every day. You commit to being together through the ups and downs. Your relationship is stronger because of the challenges you have gone through. You have a strong understanding of your partner and a sense of security in the relationship. You are in for life. 

I Choose You

When it’s real, it’s forever. You know you have someone special when you can go through every stage together and still say I choose you. Although couples enjoy the honeymoon stage, it isn’t the only stage. Being able to adapt to every stage is the ultimate test of your commitment to each other.