I listened to two podcasts this week: one with Tina Knowles and another with Michelle Obama. Although they are different women, they both share a common theme. Both talked about not realizing their self-worth until much later in life. These are accomplished women, well into the second act of their lives, yet they only recently began to understand how “enough” they are. It made me wonder why this realization comes so late for so many of us. I believe the answer lies in traumatic experiences and the need for approval.
Trauma Distorts Your Innate Worth
Imagine the most hurtful thing you ever experienced. How old were you when you experienced this? How close were you to the person who hurt you? How did you deal with the pain of that experience? Maya Angelou says people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. A traumatic experience can make you feel ashamed of who you are. It often distorts how you view your worthiness. I want to let you know that your experiences don’t determine your worth.
Trauma can happen early in life, and that imprint can last a lifetime. If people picked on you, excluded you, or said hurtful things about you, you might internalize that to mean something is wrong with you. But have you ever considered that something is wrong with what they did? We might not even have those kinds of thoughts as children because we are unable to process trauma on our own. But think about what a loving person would say about those traumatic experiences. They might say, “I’m sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.” Now, say these things to yourself.
Let Go of External Validation
No matter how worthy you are, everyone will not value you. Some people might not be able to see your worth because they don’t recognize their worth. Don’t allow other people’s limitations to become yours. Instead, understand that their limitation is a direct reflection of their beliefs. You don’t have to hold the same beliefs that they have. If you believe you are worthy, continue to believe it despite what others might think. You are always worthy. Don’t allow anyone to make you question it.
Our wholeness is in discovering who we are. Who we are is enough. Once we recognize our innate worth, we are less likely to seek external validation. The people we seek external validation from are at the same level as us. They are human and have strengths and weaknesses like everyone. Instead of believing that a person, accomplishment, award, degree, car, or house can validate our worthiness, we can look within. Our worth is not determined by what we have but by who we are. We are humans who all deserve love and respect.
Look Within
The best way to discover who you are is to identify your values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses. These things are more defining than anything external. If you want to have a solid sense of self, develop self-awareness. You can do this by keeping a journal. Start by writing out your top five values and taking actions to align with them. Challenge any limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. Then, list your strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your strengths and allow your weaknesses to help you to grow.
Final Thoughts
I wondered how free we would be if we knew we were worthy. When we don’t know we are worthy, we tend to seek approval from others. But the truth is, we have an innate worth. We are already whole; it is just a matter of discovering it. I hope that you can see how worthy you are sooner than later.