How Do You Protect Your Heart?

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Many people’s first impression of me is often quiet or reserved. No one’s ever called me ‘guarded,’ but I know I am. I used to believe being guarded was a weakness. Now, I recognize it as one of my strengths. I protect my heart because it’s sacred to me. I’m not an open book. I’m a limited edition. Only a few know my story.

Quality Vs Quantity

Some people are like open books, but I have learned to accept that I am not as revealing. I tend to be cautious around new people and selective about who I let into my life. While it does limit the number of relationships I have, it also creates space for quality relationships. For me, it’s the depth of my relationships that matters to me most. I’d rather preserve my heart for people who can handle it with care.

Self-Acceptance

I have always admired people who open up effortlessly and wished I could be the same way. However, I realize that I can open up at my own pace. I don’t have to be like everyone because I am a unique person. If being open is admirable, being cautious is wise. I’d rather be wise because that serves me better than being liked. My quiet demeanor allows me to be thoughtful, curious, and considerate. These are traits that I appreciate about myself.

Self-Protection

Being guarded has protected me through the years. While it hasn’t prevented heartbreak, it has helped me maintain my self-respect. This guard allows me to let go of unfulfilling relationships, to be more intentional, and to recognize when I deserve better. It’s a protective part of myself that I want to keep. This protection is loving, and I am grateful for it. I realized being protective of myself is a form of self-love.

Self-Reflection

I often think about letting my guard down more. While I believe it helps keep out the wrong people, I wonder if it also keeps out the right ones. I value quality over quantity but wonder if lowering my guard could allow me to have both. Could I have quality and quantity? I’m not opposed to taking that risk; I just want to be ready before I do.

Now that I’ve shared one way I protect myself, I’d love to hear about yours. The part of yourself that you may judge is probably a form of self-protection. I used to judge how guarded I was because I didn’t realize how this quality served me. But, I have learned that protection is love and not to take this part of myself for granted.

What Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Do You Need to Break?

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The way you show up in relationships often follows a pattern. Some patterns are healthy, such as open communication, empathy, and respect. Other patterns can be unhealthy, like codependency, lack of accountability, or avoidance of conflict. When you think of your relationships, what patterns are unhealthy? The reason this question is important is because unhealthy patterns can often ruin a relationship. The good news is that you can change your behaviors. The first step is to be self-aware.

Conflict Avoidance

An unhealthy pattern that some people may think is harmless is avoiding conflict. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your emotions openly and honestly, it indicates a fear of conflict. But conflict isn’t the issue here. The bigger problem is a lack of vulnerability, honesty, and communication. When these fundamentals are missing, it can often break down the foundation of a healthy relationship. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a normal part of any healthy relationship. The way you navigate through it can either strengthen or break the relationship.

Unclear Communication

Although difficult conversations can be uncomfortable, they are essential for gaining clarity and understanding of each other. A lack of communication is often an unhealthy pattern that people bring into relationships. Some people don’t ask questions because they are afraid of the response. Others don’t communicate their expectations or needs because they don’t want to appear needy or demanding. To have a healthy relationship, it starts with open communication.

Codependency

When you are in a relationship, it is important to maintain interdependence. You want to have interests, goals, and friendships outside of your relationship. Often, people neglect their needs to fulfill their partner’s needs. This pattern is unhealthy and known as codependency. When you neglect your needs, you abandon yourself. It is crucial that you remain connected to your emotional needs. A healthy relationship involves taking care of your needs while also supporting the needs of others.

Lack of Accountability

Being accountable for your actions is key to maintaining respect and trust in a relationship. Another harmful pattern is avoiding responsibility and refusing to apologize for wrongdoing. At some point, you might unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you said something hurtful. To maintain safety and respect, be willing to be accountable for your actions and apologetic for your words.

Break Unhealthy Patterns

I want you to take time to identify your unhealthy relationship patterns. Is it avoidance of conflict, ineffective communication, codependency, or lack of accountability? Once you are aware of those patterns, consider ways you can change them. It might take some time, but unhealthy patterns can be broken.

How Important Is It to You to Be Liked?

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For some people, being liked is more important than being who they are. For others, being themselves is more important than being liked. It is difficult to remain authentic when you’re concerned with being liked. This mindset can get you stuck in the approval trap. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Instead of seeking external validation, embrace who you are. The right people will accept you.

The Approval Trap

Why do you need to be liked by everyone? I hope this question can help you to understand why being liked is important to you. It might feel uncomfortable to have someone dislike you because you feel safer being who people expect you to be. The rejection you faced in childhood may have taught you to abandon your authenticity to gain approval from others. The lesson in this scenario is not to change who you are to fit in but to be comfortable standing out.

Childhood Experiences

Are you still seeking the approval you didn’t get from your parents or peers from childhood? Maybe you don’t like being disliked because it reminds you of the rejection you experienced as a kid. Were you bullied in school or at home? Were you judged for being different? Were you criticized often? These painful experiences can explain why approval is so important to you. More important than being liked by everyone is accepting yourself.

Embrace Your Unique Qualities

What do you like about yourself? I want you to create a list of qualities you like about yourself. These are qualities that make you likable to the right people. These are also qualities that might make you disliked by the wrong people. One of the qualities I like most about myself is my resilience. Some admire that strength, while others may find it intimidating. Instead of dimming your light, allow it to shine. Who you are will draw in the right people and drive out the wrong people.

Don’t Take It Personal

How do you respond when someone dislikes you? Sometimes, the issue isn’t that people dislike you. It’s that people dislike what they don’t recognize in themselves. Sometimes, being yourself can make them feel insecure about who they are not. I want to make it clear that we are all enough. But not everyone believes that. When people feel inadequate, they can work on themselves or project onto others. I point this out not to judge the other person but to help you recognize someone’s feelings about you has little to do with you.

Surround Yourself with the Right People

You cannot control how people perceive you. You can control the people you surround yourself with.  It isn’t that you need everyone to like you. It’s that you need to appreciate the people who already like you. You are likable. I think you forget this because you are more focused on the people who don’t accept you. While rejection might feel personal, it isn’t personal. Instead, think of it as a sign of incompatibility. You’re not compatible with everyone, and that’s okay.

Let Your Light Shine

It is normal to want to be liked, but don’t allow it to compromise your authenticity. I want you to be confident in who you are. I want you to recognize how likable you are. I want you to appreciate the people who like you. More importantly, I want you to allow your light to shine. It shines the brightest when you are authentic.

How Do You Prioritize Your Emotional Needs?

Some people go to the gym and eat healthy to stay in shape, but our emotional well-being is just as important. We all have emotional needs, and how we prioritize them plays a crucial role in our overall health. To ensure you’re taking care of your emotional well-being, start by identifying your needs, assessing your relationships, and communicating when needs are unmet.

Identify Your Needs

What are your emotional needs? Love and acceptance are two of the most common, but there are many more. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have emotional needs. You are not needy because you have more than one need. You are self-aware and connected to an important part of you. I want to encourage you to be honest about what you need emotionally. The best way to discover this is to quiet your mind and open your heart. Spend some time in solitude to clarify what truly matters to you.

Assess Your Emotional Fulfillment

What emotional needs are currently unmet in your life, and how does that affect you? Many people feel unfulfilled in their relationships because their emotional needs are unmet. You might feel loved by someone, but you don’t feel understood. People often say love isn’t enough to keep a relationship, and I agree. Love is the baseline, but emotional needs are the building blocks. Once you love someone, it is important to understand what their needs are. How well you understand someone is different from how well you love them. It is through your love for them that you desire to understand them.

I have an exercise that can help you assess unfulfilling relationships. Start by writing down all your emotional needs. Next, list the significant relationships in your life and write your needs under each person’s name. Then, go through each person and rate, on a scale from 1 to 10, how satisfied you are with how well they meet your needs. You might find that no one can fulfill all your needs, but some will meet most, while others meet less than half. If someone meets fewer than half of your needs, it could be time to reassess that relationship. This exercise doesn’t necessarily mean you need to end the relationship, but it can open a conversation about what you need to feel more connected.

Communicate Your Needs

How comfortable are you with communicating your needs? Sometimes the reason needs go unmet is because they aren’t being expressed. People can’t know what you need unless you are willing to be vulnerable and share it. Many people struggle with sharing their needs or aren’t clear about them. Instead of being afraid to communicate your needs, recognize that your needs are more important than what you fear. Don’t allow your fear of judgment, disappointment, or rejection to get in the way of having what you want.

If you struggle to express vulnerability in relationships, this may be an opportunity for you to become more comfortable with how you feel. Often, vulnerability starts with you journaling your emotions. When was the last time you acknowledged feeling sad, scared, angry, or hurt? While these emotions may be uncomfortable, they are present to signal what you need. If you ignore these signals, you are potentially neglecting your emotional needs. Instead of focusing on being comfortable with sharing your needs, start by being comfortable with being present with your emotions.

Final Thoughts

Taking care of your emotional well-being is essential to staying connected with what matters to you. If you don’t feel fulfilled, I want you to identify your needs, assess your current relationships, and communicate your needs. Doing these things creates space for the kind of relationships you desire.

What Makes You a Valuable Friend?

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Friendships are some of the most important relationships we will ever have. They often give us a sense of belonging and a safe space to be ourselves. Friendships can be deeply intimate, with some describing their friends as soulmates or family. When you think about the friends you have in your life, what qualities do you value in those relationships? It’s probably their honesty, reliability, or loyalty. Now, think about the values you bring to a friendship. You not only want a friend of value. You want to be a friend of value.

Friendship Is a Two-Way Street

How are you showing up in your friendships? A lack of balance in a relationship is the quickest way to build resentment. If you have a friend who is constantly cancelling plans and you are the only one initiating plans, this could create some imbalance. In these situations, be comfortable communicating your needs and expressing how you feel. If it bothers you that your friend isn’t showing up for you, let them know. Or if you haven’t been able to show up for your friend, be transparent about why. The key to having a healthy conversation is to be open, honest, curious, and respectful. With open communication, you are creating space for mutual understanding.

No Friend Is Perfect

There is no such thing as a perfect friend. You have imperfections, and so will your friends. What makes a friendship valuable is acceptance. You can be yourself without judgment. Likewise, accepting who your friends are is part of being a friend. Be friends with people you accept, and be friends with people that accept you. You might not agree with everything your friends do or say, but can you accept your differences? Sometimes, your differences are simply dealbreakers, and it’s important to recognize this. True acceptance means embracing all of who they are, not just the parts you like.

Spend Time with Friends

The quality of your life is directly impacted by the quality of your relationship. While everyone has different social needs, everyone wants to feel connected. It is difficult to maintain connections without spending quality time together. Making time for your friends isn’t just about having fun; it’s about checking in. There is value in laughter and vulnerability. The great thing about meaningful friendship is the support you receive. Life has its challenges, and having someone who supports you during difficult times is priceless.

Inspiration in Friendship

You become the people you spend the most time with. This statement doesn’t mean you lose yourself, but it does show the level of influence friendships can have on you. When you think about your friendships, what inspires you about them? This question is important because you want to make sure that your friendships are influencing you in positive ways. It isn’t about having perfect friends but having admiration for each other. Simply spending time with a patient friend won’t necessarily make you patient. But maybe they can show you how to be more patient. A friend who inspires you is a friend who helps you to learn and grow as a person.

Choose Your Friends Wisely

The wonderful thing about friendship is that you choose them. Create a list of qualities that make a valuable friend. Now, create another list of qualities that make you a valuable friend. Before you can have a friend, be a friend. Create a space for acceptance, honesty, and open communication. Be friends with people whom you appreciate and admire. Lastly, spend time together.

How Do You Open Up to Someone New?

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Whether it’s a first date with someone you like or something personal you share with a new friend, opening up can be scary. While you may believe you are only exposing yourself by sharing information, you are also gaining insight into who people are. It is important to open up because it builds meaningful, honest, and fulfilling relationships. If you want this kind of relationship, it starts with opening up about yourself.

Start Small

Ever met someone new and just felt comfortable sharing personal information, but later found out that the person was untrustworthy? When building a relationship with someone new, it may be wiser to share some information over time. Time reveals character, and you want to see who people are with a little information before you share more information. You might not share a secret with someone you just met, but maybe you share with them if you’re having a rough day. The goal is to open up, but in small ways, and take note of their response. Do they show that they care, or are they dismissive? Their response reveals whether they can provide a safe space for you to express yourself.

Take a Risk

Many people do not open up because of the fear of judgment. You might be afraid that sharing something personal makes you vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. While there are risks to opening up, there are also rewards. Imagine being able to be fully accepted for who you are. Imagine having someone who understands you completely. Imagine being supported in your time of need. These are the rewards that come with opening up. I want you to not only consider what you risk by opening up but also what you risk by not opening up. Could you be missing out on deeper connections?

Trust Your Intuition

Intuition is a powerful tool that we can use when it comes to opening up.
If you feel hesitant about sharing information with others, it’s okay to communicate this to them. You might say, “At this time, I don’t feel comfortable sharing that.” It’s important you feel comfortable with the information you choose to share. If you feel uneasy about revealing something, ask yourself: Is this my intuition guiding me? Sometimes it isn’t anxiety. It’s your intuition. When you don’t listen to your intuition, it causes anxiety. It is essential to trust your intuition when sharing personal information.

Open Your Heart

Past negative experiences can often make you believe that opening up isn’t safe. While protecting your heart might keep you safe, it can also prevent you from developing loving relationships. Your heart is precious, and the right people will handle it carefully. Being cautious is a strength until you miss out on what you want. If you’re guarded, you could miss out on a great relationship. At the same time, if you’re too open, you can risk being taken advantage of. The key is to find a nice balance between the two. Be open but do it cautiously.

Create the Space

Opening up isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step in building meaningful and close relationships. When you are building something, it takes time. Similarly, in a relationship, it takes time to build trust. If you want to build trust, it starts with being open. While it does require vulnerability, it also requires intuition. Trust yourself to know who to trust. Once you trust someone, share your heart with them. Opening your heart to the right people creates space for some of the best relationships.

What Is Your Love Language?

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How we show love plays a crucial role in building and maintaining intimate relationships. Do you show love through gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or physical touch? While these love languages provide insight into how we connect emotionally, they don’t cover all expressions of love. Take time to explore what love looks like for you and the people in your life.

Explore Your Love Language

While many people are familiar with the five love languages, shared experiences, and emotional security have recently been introduced. People who value shared experiences enjoy creating meaningful memories through engaging activities such as traveling together, attending a concert, or trying something new with their partner. Emotional security is another love language in which individuals value deep conversations and vulnerability within a relationship.

When you think of these newer love languages, does either of these resonate with you? Have you ever communicated your love language with your partner? The answers to these questions can help you identify your emotional needs and build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Communicate Your Love Language

What makes you feel loved? This question is important because it reveals how you feel connected in relationships. Understanding what your partner needs to do or say can help you identify your emotional needs. Often, it isn’t that we aren’t loved. It’s the love we desire isn’t being shown in a way that fulfills us. These moments can be opportunities to talk openly with your partner about what’s missing while recognizing that they may express love differently than you do.

Different Love Languages

The way you feel loved might be different from how your partner feels loved. Being more curious instead of judgmental can help you better understand how they show love. The great thing about having different love languages is learning new ways of loving someone. If someone expresses love differently, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible. However, it might require more understanding and open communication to maintain a fulfilling relationship.

Communication is vital in maintaining a harmonious relationship, especially when you and your partner have different love languages. If your partner’s primary love language is unfamiliar to you, it may take time and effort to learn how to express it effectively. It helps to ask them what specific actions make them feel loved. For example, if they value physical touch, find out which forms of affection they enjoy most. By making an effort to learn each other’s love language, you lay the foundation for a supportive and understanding relationship.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to identify your love languages and communicate them with your partner. Also, ask your partner about their love language and how satisfied they are with the way you express love. The goal is to understand each other’s needs and work together to meet them. Be patient with each other. Remember, everyone loves differently, but that doesn’t have to end a relationship. It can be the start of a more fulfilling one.

How Have You Evolved?

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There comes a time when the person you once were no longer aligns with who you’re becoming. It isn’t an identity crisis; it’s simply an evolution. Change is inevitable, but are we open to it? As we grow, our beliefs, relationships, and interests may shift. Instead of holding onto the past, it’s important to step into the person we’re becoming.

Embrace Change

Imagine wearing shoes that don’t fit. It is very uncomfortable to walk in them. As we begin to evolve, the things that were once comfortable no longer fit us. When you think about who you are today, what doesn’t fit you any longer? How has holding on to it caused you discomfort? There is discomfort that comes with avoiding change. Your life becomes painfully unfulfilling. But when you embrace change, you step into something better.

Live Authentically

Why do we wear uncomfortable shoes? We might because of their appearance or how others perceive us when we wear them. It’s kind of the same with life. We resist change because we’re afraid of how people will react. We worry about hearing things like, “You’re not the person you used to be,” or “You’ve changed.” But, personal growth often requires us to evolve in ways that challenge others’ expectations of us. When you let go of what others think of you, you make space to live more authentically.

Release Old Beliefs

Some shoes are outdated and no longer fit the current era. Similarly, our old beliefs may no longer align with the person we’ve become. Instead of holding on to outdated ideas, it’s important to embrace new beliefs that reflect who we are today. Letting go of old beliefs can be challenging but essential for personal growth. What old beliefs are you ready to release? What new beliefs reflect the person you’ve become? By reflecting on these questions, you can discover which beliefs better serve the person you are today.

Own Your Choices

What we once enjoyed may no longer suit who we are today. As we get older, our interests and desires change. We might find that staying in and relaxing is more fulfilling than going to a party. Or it might be the opposite. We might find that we want to be more outgoing because we enjoy spending time with others. Sometimes, this shift occurs because we are no longer afraid to embrace what feels right for us. We become more confident in our choices because we know what brings us happiness.

Stand In Who You Are

Who we are today may not be who we were yesterday. But are we truly willing to embrace this new version of ourselves? Doing so often means letting go of others’ expectations, outdated beliefs, and past interests. It may feel uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary step toward personal growth.

How Has Trauma Shaped Your Beliefs?

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Have you ever heard a voice in your mind say, “You’re not good enough”? I know this thought can be extremely harmful when you say it out loud, but this is often a belief that people develop from past trauma. Unfortunately, many people, including myself, allow this belief to become our identity. Trauma has a way of distorting how we see ourselves and what we believe we are worthy of. But I want us to challenge this belief because, at the core, we are good enough, capable, and deserving of love. Before we can get there, we need to unpack this harmful belief.

You Are Good Enough

Many individuals who have experienced trauma often believe they are not good enough. This belief stems from being mistreated by someone they trusted or cared about. Rather than holding the other person accountable, we tend to internalize the pain and blame ourselves. But the truth is, we are not responsible for how others treat us, and their actions do not define our worth. If you were wronged, it was not your fault, and you did not deserve it. Choosing not to carry the weight of someone else’s harmful behavior is a powerful act of self-love. Loving yourself means recognizing that nothing external can diminish your inherent worth.

Traumatic experiences are painful and often lead us to believe we are powerless. If we believe we are powerless, how can we also believe we are enough? Often, feelings of inadequacy are not a reflection of our capabilities but of the impact of trauma on our self-perception. When we reflect on a traumatic experience, we might judge ourselves for not knowing what to do or say things like, “I should have known better.” This kind of belief chips away at our sense of worth. Instead, it is important to recognize that being powerless in a moment doesn’t make us inadequate; it makes us human.

You Deserve the Love You Need

To be loved is to be protected, nurtured, supported, and guided. If any of these needs were unmet in our childhood, this is emotional neglect. If we are neglected as kids, this can also cause us to believe we are not good enough. If our parents couldn’t meet our needs, we might wonder if anyone can. While we might not consciously think this way, it might be ingrained in our subconscious mind. We might believe that the love we deserve is only limited to the love we receive from our parents. However, the love we deserve is the kind of love that is attentive to our emotional needs.

Every child deserves loving parents. If we did not have the parents we needed, that is not an indication of our worth. Our unmet needs do not make us unworthy; they reflected what was missing. As adults, we can begin to understand our parent’s limitations and separate them from our identity. In doing so, we reconnect with our inherent worth and begin to understand how vital our emotional needs are in building healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Gentle Reminder

As someone who has experienced trauma, I understand how detrimental it can be to our self-worth. However, through healing, I began to recognize that what happened to me doesn’t define my innate worth. I am always worthy, and you are too. I want you to know that the painful experience doesn’t define who you are or what you deserve. I hope this post can begin your healing journey and help you recognize your inherent worth.

How Do You Manage Unhelpful Thoughts?

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Imagine you are trying to achieve a goal, and you think, I can’t do this. Then, another thought follows: I’m a failure. Before you know it, you feel discouraged and less motivated to try. Studies show that we have thousands of thoughts per day. It made me wonder how much easier it would be to reach our goals if we replaced those negative thoughts with more helpful ones. It is not about being positive all the time. It is about recognizing which thoughts move you toward your goals and holds you back from your goals.

Develop a Growth Mindset

Let’s consider the thought I can’t do this. While it might be true that you can’t do it yet, you can learn how to do it. Often, we don’t give ourselves enough credit to learn new things. Challenge the “I can’t do this” with “I can learn how to do this.” Another thought we might need to challenge is that asking for help will make me look stupid. No one knows everything, and asking for help is essential to learning new things. Your willingness to learn is a strength you can be proud of. 

Focus on What You Can Control

Have you ever thought, “I’ll never get out of debt” or “I’ll never meet the right person”?  Whatever the thought is, I want you to replace it with something more helpful. Ask yourself: What can I do differently to change this? What steps could you take to improve your finances or open yourself up to meaningful relationships? These questions can allow you to see what is in your control. By focusing on what you can control, you can move closer to achieving your goals. You reclaim your power, which allows you to take action that moves you toward your goals. 

Find Joy in the Journey

Some people often focus on who they should be or what they should have, and this kind of thinking creates judgment, which can lead to shame. But the truth is, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. That doesn’t mean we’ll always like where we are, but it does mean there’s something to learn from it. Not being where we want to be can teach us how to get there. We all start somewhere, and even if we’re not at our desired destination, every step brings us closer. While the destination may be exciting, find joy in the journey. 

Be Flexible

We often have a timeline for when we should get married, buy a house, retire, start a family, or pay off debt. However, things might not happen as expected, but that doesn’t mean it is too late. As long as we are alive, we have time to achieve what we want. It is important to be flexible in life. Things happening later in life isn’t a bad thing. It teaches us patience and appreciation for what we have. There is always something to be grateful for right now. It is not about giving up on our dreams but being flexible with our timelines.

Have Faith

We all have dreams and desires, but how many of us have thoughts that we can’t have what we want or that what we want is unrealistic or too much? I believe we deserve what we desire and that our dreams can become a reality. It isn’t about living in a fantasy world. It is about knowing that we can achieve our dreams. It also means that we are willing to take action to get what we want and wait for what we want. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Have faith that what you want is coming at the right time.

Final Thoughts

We will have many thoughts throughout the day. It is essential to replace the negative thoughts with helpful thoughts. Consider which thoughts are moving you towards your goals and which thoughts are distracting you from them. We all have the ability to create the life we want, and it starts with a single thought.