Mental Inventory

You get more bees with honey. We often use this phrase to describe how we treat others, but what about how we treat ourselves? Honey is sweet, and self-compassion is sweet in the same way. It is kindness, understanding, and acceptance. With more self-compassion, how much more could we learn about ourselves, and how much more could we grow? Sometimes the thing that is missing from our growth is the honey.

Criticism vs. Constructive Feedback

When you reflect on your inner dialogue, does it sound more like criticism or constructive feedback? Unlike criticism, constructive feedback is helpful and considerate. Self-compassion works in a similar way: it’s not about denying our weaknesses but learning from them. For example, if your goal is to eat healthier, some days you might fall short. Criticism might say, “I have no self-control.” Self-compassion says, “I’ve been stressed, and food comforts me. Next time, I’ll try a walk or journaling instead.” By responding to ourselves with kindness rather than judgment, we create space for growth.

Honesty + Kindness = Self-Compassion

There are many misconceptions about self-compassion. A common one is the belief that self-compassion is merely about repeating positive affirmations. In reality, self-compassion is far deeper and much more honest. It involves being willing to acknowledge our imperfections, limitations, and mistakes without using them as evidence that something is wrong with us. Self-compassion allows us to recognize that we can be great and still not be great at everything. We can be capable and still not know how to do certain things. We can be intelligent and still make mistakes. Self-compassion is about being honest in a kind way. 

Embrace Your Humanity

Self-compassion is to growth what honey is to bees. If we want to grow, we do so with kindness, understanding, acceptance, and honesty. We replace criticism with constructive feedback, affirm our strengths, and work on our imperfections. Ultimately, self-compassion means recognizing that simply being human is enough.

Before we can begin processing our emotions, it’s essential to understand their purpose. Emotions serve as signals that help us connect with others, alert us to potential threats, and motivate us to change our behavior. Some feelings, like anger, are often labeled as negative, yet anger is typically a secondary emotion. Beneath it usually lies fear or sadness, which we may avoid because anger can feel more protective and powerful. Ultimately, no emotion is inherently bad; it’s the way we express our feelings and the choices we make in response to them that determine their impact.

The Fight-or-Flight Response

When we experience anger, our fight-or-flight response gets activated. Our heart may race, our breathing becomes shallow and rapid, and we feel tense, all because our body perceives a threat. In this instant, our ability to reason diminishes. The prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain responsible for logical thinking, becomes less active as our body prioritizes survival. This physiological response can feel intense, which is why learning to regulate ourselves is so crucial. Simple techniques, like counting to ten or taking a deep breath, can give us a moment to pause and respond in a healthier way.

Exploring the Source of Anger

Anger isn’t inherently destructive; it only becomes harmful when we fail to handle it in a healthy way. While we may feel that anger controls us, how we respond is ultimately a choice. Sometimes, simply pausing for a moment can help us regain control. Once we do, we can start to understand why we’re angry. Often, anger arises from a sense of unfairness or the need to protect ourselves. But if we look deeper, we often find fear or sadness underneath. Recognizing these underlying emotions allows us to address the root cause of our anger.

Setting Boundaries to Protect Yourself

Anger can serve as a defense mechanism, but another effective way to protect ourselves is by setting boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of safety and empowerment, allowing us to maintain healthy relationships. When we experience anger, it can be helpful to reflect on what boundaries we need to establish. For example, if someone makes a hurtful comment, instead of reacting with anger, we might calmly express that the comment was hurtful. We could also step away from the conversation or limit contact with that person. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger, but to use it as a signal to protect our well-being.

Practical Steps to Regulate Anger

Next time you feel angry, pause and breathe. Identify the fear or sadness beneath the emotion. Then choose a boundary that supports your emotional well-being. By practicing this regularly, you will learn to regulate your emotions effectively.

The holidays have always meant a lot to me, but I know this season can be really tough for many. Not everyone feels joyful this time of year, and that’s completely okay. Loneliness is more common than it seems, and it can feel even heavier during the holidays. I want to share some perspective that may help you navigate these feelings.

Holiday Blues

Many people feel sadness during the holidays, whether from a recent breakup, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or chronic depression. Sometimes, we avoid how we feel because we don’t want to experience the discomfort. It’s understandable, but the lengths we go to avoid these emotions can be harmful. Avoidance feels good, but it’s only a temporary fix. Our emotions are still there, no matter how hard we try to push them down. 

Emotions Are Signals

Trying to get rid of our emotions is like ignoring traffic lights while driving. When we are in a rush, that red light can feel like the enemy, and I think people feel the same way about their emotions. We label feelings like loneliness as negative when they are signals meant to guide us. Traffic lights tell us when to slow down, and sometimes an emotion as intense as loneliness does the same. It forces us to pause, check in with ourselves, and pay attention to what we need.

The Root Causes of Loneliness

Loneliness might be a reminder of what we need more of in our lives. Often, we feel lonely because we are disconnected from our needs. If we aren’t spending enough time with our loved ones or lack close relationships, we may feel lonely. If we have recently experienced the loss of someone we care about, we can feel alone. There are many reasons this emotion may come up. Instead of judging how we feel, let’s approach it with curiosity.

Curiosity over Judgement

While the holidays are often called “the most wonderful time of the year,” it’s okay if that’s not true for you. If you feel sad, allow yourself to feel sad. These emotions are temporary. Be curious about them and remember that they are just signals guiding you to what you need.

Most of us follow the same holiday traditions every year, putting up the Christmas tree after Thanksgiving, spending time with family, or listening to festive music. But have you ever asked yourself what traditions you want to start? It’s okay to decide you’d rather stay home and enjoy a quieter holiday. The season isn’t just about finding joy; it’s also about keeping your peace. And sometimes that means spending alone.

Breaking Free from Tradition

Solo travel has become increasingly popular, but what about solo holidays? We don’t have to follow traditions that go against our authenticity. Sometimes we would enjoy the holidays if we allowed ourselves to do what we want, rather than what others expect of us. There comes a point in adulthood when we realize it’s time to make decisions for ourselves, not for others. Often, the best gift we can give ourselves is self-care. By learning to say no to traditions that don’t fit us, we make room to create new ones that reflect who we truly are.

Embracing Solitude

This year, I chose to step away from the traditional plans of spending time with family and focus on spending time alone. At first, I felt uneasy about sharing this decision with my family, but eventually, I found peace in it. This sense of peace came from realizing that I was doing something for myself. I contemplated how enjoyable it would be to watch a movie by myself and how a quiet setting would help me feel calmer and more grounded. The more I reflected on this sense of peace, the easier it became for me to make my decision.

Celebrating the Holidays Authentically

You know you’ve made the right decision when you have peace. Sometimes breaking the norm is uncomfortable at first until we realize it’s okay to start something new. We don’t need permission to be authentic. Instead, we can be more intentional about which traditions we want to follow and which traditions we want to create. This holiday, I hope that you can be more authentic with how you choose to spend it.

There was a time when I didn’t have much of a nighttime routine, or at least not a good one. I’d spend hours scrolling on my phone and then wonder why I couldn’t fall asleep. The next morning, I’d wake up tired, irritable, and stuck in the same cycle. Eventually, I realized a better morning started with a better night and that meant doing the one thing I’d been avoiding: getting off my phone. It didn’t happen overnight (no pun intended), but with consistency and discipline, disconnecting from my phone was the step that helped me build a better nighttime routine.

Putting Down My Phone

The most challenging part of my nighttime routine was putting down my phone. Somehow, everything seemed more interesting as the day grew darker. I’d come across an article and want to read more, or questions would pop into my mind just as I was getting ready for bed. Some nights, I gave in to my curiosity and regretted it the next morning. It was hard to disconnect, but when I finally did, I began to develop better sleep hygiene and felt the benefit the next day. The thing that helped me stay consistent was getting off my phone at least an hour before bedtime.

Adding Joy

Once I committed to getting off my phone at a set time, I could choose how to spend my evenings. I decided to end every night with something funny, so no matter how bad my day had been, I had something to look forward to. Right now, Abbott Elementary is my go-to show because it has everything I need to unwind before bed. Laughing is a great stress reliever, and watching something lighthearted helps me let go of the day. By focusing on this simple pleasure, I can allow my brain to relax, which ultimately helps me sleep better.

Finding Your Own Routine

Now that I’ve shared a glimpse of my nighttime routine, I’d love to hear how you like to unwind before bed. For some, it might mean putting your phone away an hour early, watching your favorite show, journaling, or reading a book. Anything that helps you relax is worth considering for your bedtime routine.